In
developing patterns of compulsive behaviour, sex addicts genuinely want to stop
their actions but can't – despite the often serious consequences. Sexual
Addiction is disorder of the brain and is characterised by delusion about
sexual wants and love. In terms of sexual arousal, brains begin to adapt to
increasing stimuli, derived from pornography and other sexually stimulating
materials, and leading to a variety of sexual acting out behaviours, including
compulsive masturbation. Some sexual addicts never act out sex with actual
people, but for many pornography and masturbation stimuli aren’t good enough
and they look to more engaging stimuli to achieve the desired high, in part to
reset their brain’s neurons.
To further escalate arousal, an addict may
start looking at escort sites. They may delude themselves into thinking and
believing: “I’ll just have a look”. However, delusion has now firmly taken
hold: the addict is pursuant of further arousal and the compulsion to act is
far too strong to resist. “I've already come this far, why not just go to a
motel room and meet up?”
Despite
the incredible guilt, shame, and disbelief, the addict will begin pursuing even
more and entertaining, even greater delusions. Some addicts increase arousal
and push the triggers of their brain’s reward centres by hiring two escorts or
prostitutes. Others might even steadfastly believe that they are falling for
their escort: they might support this delusion with the grandiose notion of
buying them expensive gifts or even setting them up in an apartment. An addict
might feel so strongly in love with their escort that they may even want
nothing more than to marry them – leaving their partners, children, and family
behind.
Problematically,
as the intensity of these activities and desires increase, so too do the
delusions: the addict may start to distance themselves from their partner
and isolate themselves from their families. It is not uncommon for many sex
addiction therapists to hear sex addicts declare their undying love for their
escorts. In spite of fully knowing and being consciously aware of just how
financially exploited they are being, the sex addict simply cannot cease their
compulsive behaviour – behaviours which are now becoming increasingly
dangerous, harmful, and emotionally distressing.
When
caught within the throes of sex addiction, addicts are also ensnared in the
throes of delusion. Non normative sexual behaviours start becoming normalised:
“They’re all mine”, the addict thinks. Unfortunately by now, it’s common for
addicts to be so hijacked by their escort rituals that they no longer desire
sex with their partner. Yet they still believe they’re in control: it’s only
until they’re thrust deeply into shame that reality begins breaking through.
While
men suffering from an addiction to sex will fearlessly pursue it, they are
actually chasing something else, according to Dr Kenneth Adams, an
international expert in this field of sex addiction.
"It's
not about sex at all. Rather it's a way sex addicts medicate their feelings,
wounds and insecurities," he says.
Adams,
who was in Sydney in 2016 to run a course on a fresh approach to treating this
condition, says these addicts have developed patterns of compulsive behaviour
which they genuinely want to stop but can't, even though the consequences can
be dire.
Unlike
a promiscuous and opportunistic narcissist who feels entitled and doesn't have
much regret afterwards, a sex addict is in his shame. While the narcissist experiences
no conflict with his behaviour, the addict does.
The
new approach Adams was teaching at South Pacific Private, an addiction and
mental health facility in Sydney, is geared to preserving the addict's primary
relationship with his partner while limiting the damage that discovery and
complete disclosure can cause to the family structure.
The
course was developed by the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction
Professionals (IITAP).
Adams
has 30 years' experience in this area, co-edited the text book Clinical
Management of Sex Addiction and is on the editorial board of Sexual Addiction
& Compulsivity: The Journal of Treatment and Prevention.
In
the United States an estimated 3 to 5 per cent of men have a sexual addiction
and there is concern that unprecedented access to sex online is drawing more
vulnerable people into addiction.
"The
more opportunity, more access to funds and the more the culture supports
gratification at the cost of integrity, the more likely the numbers will go
up," he says.
But
there are various views about what constitutes sexual addiction as was evident
earlier in 2016 when former New York congressman, Anthony Weiner, was in
trouble yet again for exposing himself to women over the Internet.
It
was his third scandal in five years. Some said this politically brilliant, well
connected man with a high profile wife and a child was clearly suffering sexual
addiction. Others discounted this saying it was an oversimplification that
reduced the psychological complexity that drives self-destructive behaviour.
Whatever
the theory, it is agreed sex addiction is a disorder of the brain and is
characterized by impaired impulse control, escalations of sexual acts, sexual
thoughts, and sexual cravings, and by the addict's inability to stop their
behaviour, despite their awareness of negative consequences.
Whether
it's eating, gambling, sex, shopping or drugs, Adams says all addiction begins
with a flooding sensation in the brain. While the sex addiction cycle can take
various forms, a typical male scenario would begin with preoccupation.
"The
reward system in the man's brain begins ticking up. He starts feeling high and
as his brain floods, he thinks about looking up a porn site, "says Adams.
He
may go to the men's room at work and in the privacy of cubicle, go online on
his phone. Later in the day, he'll do it again and again.
He
manages to suppress any inkling that he should stop because as his front lobes
go offline so he's into the ritual of going online.
He
is driven, in part, by what is known as the "triple A engine" of
cybersex. Affordability, accessibility and perceived anonymity remove the major
inhibitors of sexual excess and after a while, vulnerable people like him can
become hooked in.
"With
sexual arousal, the brain begins to adapt. What fires together wires
together," says Adams, describing this process as neuroplasticity.
But
over time, this is no longer sufficient and as he seeks more he starts to reset
his brain. To escalate arousal, he begins looking at escort sites.
Never, in a million years, did he imagine he'd do this and he tells
himself they'll just have a drink.
Delusion
has taken hold, he is in pursuit, and is missing danger cues that would be
obvious to others. The compulsion to act is so strong he thinks 'what the
heck, I've gone this far, we are having a drink, let's just go to the motel'.
"Afterwards
when he's driving home, he feels ashamed, guilty and can't believe what's he
has done, "says Adams. "He's spent all that money, had unprotected
sex and feels terrible. Now he has to face his wife and kids."
But
the next time his selfhood is in jeopardy, he'll go back in pursuit. Adams
repeatedly emphasises that this is not about hyped desire but about fortifying
internal fragility.
Despite
how others perceive him, internally he's always one step ahead of feeling
inadequate, insecure and anxious.
Eventually
the brain reward centres don't work like they used to, so again he turns up the
intensity to increase the dopamine rush. The need for more sex is not based on
desire for more, but desire to alter his mood more.
He's
becoming a little grandiose and this time might hire two escorts. Or he might
think he's falling in love with his escort and buy her a car or perhaps set her
up in an apartment. He may even want to marry her.
As
the intensity of these activities increase, so does the delusion and he starts
distancing himself from his partner. Adams has heard many men declare they are
in love with escorts. They know they are being exploited financially but can't
stop.
"In
the throes of addiction these men are also in the throes of delusion. 'She's
all mine' they think as they normalise sexual behaviour that is no longer
normative."
By
now it's not uncommon for these men to be so hijacked by ritual they no longer
want sex with their partner. But they think they are in control and reality
doesn't break through until they are thrust into deep shame.
Financial
difficulty, crossing a line at work or a crisis of discovery at home, can
fracture their delusion.
Adams
says in most cases, the wife discovers something is going on but doesn't have
whole story. In pain and in conflict, the couple come for help. While he's
denying and minimizing, her world has fallen apart. She's been deceived and
feels devastated, angry and hurt.
But
she's only seen the tip of the iceberg and if she's immediately exposed to the
bulk below, the damage may be irreparable.
"We
teach therapists to reign that in so we can get to a formal disclosure
process," says Adams. "But we do allow for safety disclosures."
If
she is at risk of a sexually transmitted disease or is facing humiliation
because a sister, a best friend or a babysitter is involved, she needs to know.
The same applies if there is a risk of public disclosure.
In
the past marital therapists saw this as an inter-relationship problem for the
couple. "That was a huge mistake," says Adams.
"The
addict would say 'if only she was more intimate, if only she'd dress up, if
only she'd watch some porn with me - I wouldn't be doing any of this'. This
left the partner feeling it was all her fault."
Adam's
order of business is to manage the addiction process and prepare for structured
disclosure. "First we put the addict into recovery and then we help her
manage her own reality. Once she's over the discovery shock, we help her get
clear about the questions she has."
"Once
the truth is out and he's in recovery, we can begin to see if amends can be
made and repair is possible. These require serious steps and some couples are
unwilling to take them."
"But
we are seeing more couples going on to have their 'second marriage' with one
another. It's not easy, but it happens."